Is it because I queefed?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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