Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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