Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Vodka?
Forever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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