honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
