I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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