My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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