Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
