i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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