It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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