i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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