Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(217): My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building. http://tfl.nu/he38

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!

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(508): I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON! http://tfl.nu/qryp

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(773): View more from Illinois

My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.

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(773): My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas. http://tfl.nu/zv1j

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow. (1-936): Can I eat your pillow? http://tfl.nu/ozwu

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(902): Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight. http://tfl.nu/0w7l

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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(407): I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA. http://tfl.nu/w336

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.

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(630): He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table. http://tfl.nu/sm7d

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(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

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(513): This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads http://tfl.nu/11ei

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock

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(856): Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock http://tfl.nu/vedt

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

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(978): I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day (617): How about a mike? (978): Already had two of those http://tfl.nu/wf5g

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(248): If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is. http://tfl.nu/p0ib

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

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(613): I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots. http://tfl.nu/b0ef

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(404): View more from Georgia

Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent

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(404): Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent http://tfl.nu/17u7

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