This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
