Yo dont text me then not text me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
