He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
