shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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