I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
