I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
