well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
