If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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