I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
