I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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