Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
...so i touched it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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