I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
