the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
