he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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