I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
