If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
