You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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