I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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