I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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