Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
