I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
