She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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