I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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