She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
