hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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