you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
