Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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