nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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