So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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