i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
