i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
