I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
