if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
