Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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