wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
