i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
