halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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