No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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