happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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