When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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