you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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