I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
