FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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